Chivalry 2: OP Flute Class Serenades me Before Teabagging

There’s nothing quite like receiving a good ‘ol teabag right after your decapitated dome’s been yeeted across the arena.

Better yet, being taunted by a flute-toting troll while you’re bleeding out, crawling for your life, after having a shield lobbed at you from behind.

Ridicule is an integral part of the sport — always has been, always will be. Whoever naively claims the gentleman’s duel is standard etiquette has clearly spent little time in the decayed depths of online gaming.

Toxic trolling is to competitive gaming what trash talking is to sports — no matter how much you insist on having a wholesome, heck of a good time, the objective is arguably still to win. And considering the ample methods Chivalry 2 offers its players to amputate their opponents, celebrations tend to err on the creative, albeit crude, side.

If medieval aesthetics of knighthood, maces clanking against chainmail, are a complete bore to you; safely skip this gory entry. But if you’re anything like me, then a POV medieval brawl is a dream come true.

Flinging fiery arrows through an arrow slit at invaders loading up a catapult; dropping large boulders on the heads of knights piled up against the castle door; chucking a flaming chicken at a bloodsoaked axeman running your way while your teammate idly strums a harp as he watches it all unfold: these are just a few of the scenarios that bring chivalry 2 barbarically to life.

Picture this: you’re loading up a 64-player siege match, and you spawn as a peasant holding nothing but a pitchfork, with orders to defend the fields outside the village walls. Immediately you hear a blood-curdling chorus of battle cries approaching; through the fields of wheat you make out an incoming wave of armor-clad, warhammer wielding warriors, thrilled to initiate the onslaught. You stand no chance.

Fast-forward beyond your gruesome dismemberment of a death, and you respawn as the class of your choice, safely behind the village walls, devastating ballistas at your disposal; oh how the tables have turned.

Such is the double-edged chaos that makes the medieval battlefield so bloody, yet beautiful. The liberty to play whoever, however you want is somehow always at the mercy of the unpredictable environmental circumstances at hand. One moment you might feel invincible while leading a mounted charge alongside your fellow cavalry, only to be toppled by a single thrust of spear the next. Any way you slice it, inevitably you’re gonna get flanked and ganked — either through sheer outnumbering, or simply by a dedicated soldier who’s mastered his moveset.

Speaking of combo-lords, there’s nowhere the skill of medieval bobbing and weaving is more pronounced than in duels. I remember back during the pandemic when I sampled some dueling action in the 2/10 banger that was The Elder Scrolls: Blades, and thinking to myself, “dang these duelsters really know what they’re doing.” Looking back, they had nothing on the gladiators of chivalry 2. The prerequisite hours of sweat that go into reposting a swing of a shortsword, are comparable only to the training undergone by the backstab artists who continue to terrorize DS1 PvP.

But despite the proficiency of its players, mockery remains the primary mission. I’m repeatedly impressed by the pro dueler who simply stands by watching everytime you’re in a 2v1 lead, allowing you to prove yourself 1v1 because he’s confident in his abilities to fend off the remaining foe once you make a fool out of yourself.

Perhaps overconfident though, since countless times I’ve seen duels thrown as a result of conceited unsportsmanly jest. The desire to ridicule overrides the drive to win.

Chivalry 2 is not a detail oriented sim the likes of KCD, nor is it a tactics-driven sandbox akin to Bannerlords 2, but rather a multiplayer masterpiece in it’s own right.

And though it may not reach the high-level meta of mordhau, new players will welcome the accessibility while OG’s continue to relish in the high skill ceiling.

In the words of redditor johnandrew137, “even if you suck, Chiv 2 is fun as fuck.” But anyway, less talking, and more chopping; for this review you read isn’t the scribings of a scroll, but a glorious ode to the battlefield!