Daddy Let Me Play, Wolfenstein Made Me Suffer

Watch out Hitler, the chunky American man is back to rid the world of high-tech Nazis. Dual-wielding assault rifles, hair golden as a Budweiser, arms beefier than bazookas, Wolfenstein: Old Blood's main character, BJ Blazkowicz, even has the classic crew cut to top it off.

If you can look past the tropes, there's a lot to love about this franchise, but ultimately it's gotta be your love for insanely-paced shooters that keeps you going; or lack of, that stresses you out.

Subject to minor controversy, the difficulty menu immediately reveals the attitude of the writers behind the curtain. The (second) hardest difficulty level is called, 'I am Death Incarnate', and is represented by a blood-spattered portrait of BJ, the devilish stud, contorted by a teeth-bearing, Nazi-killing smirk.

Meanwhile, the easiest mode is named, 'Can I Play, Daddy?', accompanied by the same portrait of BJ, only this time donned with a baby-bonnet and pacifier plugged into his whimpering mouth.

It took some restraint not to take this personally - a shooter I originally intended to play on the 'normal' difficulty, had me succumbing to peer pressure, booting up the first mission on the hardest.

Console players can make excuses about their dual-shock handicap all day long, but the truth is I barely (if only for extreme luck) managed to re-do my way through the intro sequence.

Frustrated and humbled, I decided stroking my ego wasn't worth dying 32 times at each checkpoint, inching my way to the next objective only after meticulously memorizing the movements of each patrolling guard.

Back to 'normal' it was.

And I know, don't come at me saying, "but it's not THAT hard...," because you're right: it's not. But I'm also no longer in my G Fuel-chugging, spastic-gaming prime; I'm a grown man who likes to kick back and enjoy a game for all it's components combined, especially the narrative.

'What narrative', you ask? Good Question. If there was one, I must have been too flustered to notice. The Old Blood is the typical short title that truly shines through its action mechanics (dependent on your input as a player); not through its story. The cutscenes only add up to about an hour of cinematics total, and if you blow through the combat like I did, will feel pointless and impotent.

I'll come out clean and say it: about halfway through, I made the decision to drop it down to the easiest, Daddy-allowing difficulty, and sprint across the battlefield; essentially skipping the majority of the content.

It doesn't take a veteran gamer to know that at the end of each shooter's 'hallway' is a door that leads to the next, and as soon as I spotted it, I bullet-sponged my way toward it right across the center: a tactic that'd be impossibly suicidal on any other difficulty level.

I admit my play style was downright disrespectful, but I had made up my mind: this play-through had devolved to a means of reaching the sequel, which, despite it's supposedly improved plot, I wonder if I'll ever get around to playing.

But bashing a title that's objectively good is not what I'm here for. Even to an undeserving geezer like myself, it's abundantly clear that this experience shows off some serious polish. Had I not ungratefully flushed away the meat of the full-course meal, I would've certainly been entertained by some stellar shoot-outs and stealth sequences.

The developers clearly drilled love into the level design, vertically versatile arenas in which BJ faces off against waves of mechanized Nazis, either through immaculate stealth, or brute force and agility. If you're fast and focused, you'll be satisfactorily rewarded.

The fusion of dystopic WII sci-fi and medieval castle fantasy is a treat to navigate, and the premise of catastrophic alternate history perfectly sets the stage for a Texan to relentlessly terrorize the Nazi victors.

While I can't say I'm psyched about moving on to the New Colossus, I can vouch for Old Blood's near-perfect offering of a tension-filled challenge.

Oh, and one more thing: if you're anything like me, and still not discouraged to give this title a run, whatever you do, DO NOT play those Doom-inspired, 'Nightmare' mini-games - that shit almost made me unplug my ps4.

Aside from that, enjoy this hell of a banger!